So it's been a long time, Right?

So, It's been a long time, Right? 
The past 10 months have been a roller coaster to say the least! Not just in a physical way but in an emotional, relational, and Spiritual one as well.

I guess now would be as good of a time as any to Share with you some of the things that have happened in my life. Two years ago in July I lost my father to a very long and hard battle with cancer. At the time I was working for a church, and as a result I felt it was my job to stay strong and support everyone, family, friends, and church family through the loss of this leader and Man of God. I refused to allow myself to grieve his loss myself because I feared that once I faced my emotions I would be lost forever. So I fell back on my internally designed suppression system, that allows me to completely disconnect from my emotions, not just the ones that hurt but all of them in fear that facing any of them would lead to the pain. There were a few times when they would boil up and over and tears would flow, oddly some of those time I didn't even realize it was happening, and sometimes it was in bursts of extreme anger. 

Unfortunately some of those overflows manifested in a very physical way and I began having seizures. The first one was a month after my Dad passed away, it was a Grand mal seizure that I had while in bed with my husband. After I recovered I called my Doctor and he said that it was probably a physical reaction to the loss of my dad. We decided not to address it at that time and we attempted to go on with our lives. However they kept sneaking up more and more frequently over the next few months,mostly manifesting as a much milder seizure called "Partial absent" which basically means I check out. I have no awareness of anything going on around me, these tend to be a great deal shorter and are not as scary to witness as the more intense Grand mal seizures. At times people don't even know it's happening. This continued without me seeking any help until December of that year, the first Thanksgiving without my Dad had passed and Christmas was quickly approaching. I am guessing by now you know what happened, I was once again refusing to face the incredible pain and loss I was feeling without my Dad and another longer more substantial seizure happened. At this time my husband put his foot down and off to the Doctor we went. I was started on my first medication on an extremely long road,where we pretty much discovered that I am either allergic to Seizure medication, or and even worse, the medication messes with my brain chemistry so much that I just shattered mentally all culminating in last September. It was medication attempt number 10 and my mental reaction was the worse yet, I attempted to end my marriage and then my life with in a 24 hour time frame. That morning I will never forget, my husband was flying back from his parents house in Florida after I had told him the night before that I would be seeking a divorce attorney in the morning to end our 8 year marriage. I woke up that morning and realized what I had said, and felt the reasons why I was such horrible burden to him, and then I began hearing all the lies about how horrible I was to and for everyone else. I had stepped down from Church ministry when the seizures began and hurt and upset a lot of people. I was cut off from them and as a result cut myself off from the few that still wanted a relationship with me as well. I had destroyed myself, my life's purpose, all of the people I felt so drawn to love and support through their lives ups and downs, and to top it all off I had become the worse wife ever. Completely worthless and all I ever brought him was pain and confusion and worry. All of these thoughts were on the highest volume in so many familiar voices running through my head until I finally took every bottle of medication I had and dumped the pills into my hand and lap and with a glass of water in hand I was ready to free my husband and everyone I had ever hurt of my very existence. As my hand got closer to my mouth a much calmer quieter voice, surrounded in Peace said very clearly "Stop... I love you, I value you because I created you, and I need you my sweet daughter, all those other words and voices you are hearing are lies, MY words are the only Truth, I love you, and in me you are COMPLETE, Perfect, and LOVED " It was my Daddy, God. After that moment a peace washed over me, I dropped the pills on the bed and called my Doctor and my best friend. My Doctor told me to immediately stop all medication, and my best friend dropped everything and came and sat with me until my mother and husband got home from the Airport. The next day I met with the Doctor and informed him of my decision to no longer take these medications that were hurting me more then the seizures ever did and to pursue alternate ways to address the problem once I was completely detoxed from the pills. The next few days were some of the hardest I have ever faced as I came off of the meds, I was broken and sick and seizing all the time. My husband, mother, and Sister in-law sat with me 24 hours a day for 7 days. On that 7th day I woke up with enough of a perspective shift to no longer need constant babysitting. I would love to say that I woke up that day completely healthy mentally, physically, and Spiritually but I can't. The road continues. I have started a child's dose of a seizure medication that seems to keep everything reigned in. I also started working with a Natural Doctor who is also an amazing man of God, that has not only given me some supplements and homeopathy to take, but has called out the truth of who I am and the need for me to get comfortable with that, and also realize that I am is LOVED exactly AS I AM! More and more I am becoming familiar with what Grace actually means. I am still the same woman, I still struggle with facing my own pain head on, I still catch myself speaking "Failure" over myself. But I also am hearing more and more clearly the voice that rescued me that dark morning, still speaking Love and acceptance and a desire to just spend time talking to me, in an intimate way. This past weekend, HE spoke to me during a time of worship and He said, "I just Love hearing the sound of your voice! you mean that much to me!" He then gifted me with memories of times that my earthly Dad had said that exact same thing to me in phone calls, or over lunch where we would bounce ideas and thoughts off each other. Then God gave me an extremely vivid memory of my dad asking me to just read to him, anything, as he fell asleep while getting a Chemo treatment in New York the one time it was just him and me, because he loved my voice and it brought him peace. And Yes, that time I did let myself cry, just as I am right now while sharing all of this with you.
I'm on journey to discover all of the me I was created to be, and to discover all I can about the Daddy, God that loves me that much. 

Will you join me?
Patience Breckenridge

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NLT)
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.