So it's been a long time, Right?

So, It's been a long time, Right? 
The past 10 months have been a roller coaster to say the least! Not just in a physical way but in an emotional, relational, and Spiritual one as well.

I guess now would be as good of a time as any to Share with you some of the things that have happened in my life. Two years ago in July I lost my father to a very long and hard battle with cancer. At the time I was working for a church, and as a result I felt it was my job to stay strong and support everyone, family, friends, and church family through the loss of this leader and Man of God. I refused to allow myself to grieve his loss myself because I feared that once I faced my emotions I would be lost forever. So I fell back on my internally designed suppression system, that allows me to completely disconnect from my emotions, not just the ones that hurt but all of them in fear that facing any of them would lead to the pain. There were a few times when they would boil up and over and tears would flow, oddly some of those time I didn't even realize it was happening, and sometimes it was in bursts of extreme anger. 

Unfortunately some of those overflows manifested in a very physical way and I began having seizures. The first one was a month after my Dad passed away, it was a Grand mal seizure that I had while in bed with my husband. After I recovered I called my Doctor and he said that it was probably a physical reaction to the loss of my dad. We decided not to address it at that time and we attempted to go on with our lives. However they kept sneaking up more and more frequently over the next few months,mostly manifesting as a much milder seizure called "Partial absent" which basically means I check out. I have no awareness of anything going on around me, these tend to be a great deal shorter and are not as scary to witness as the more intense Grand mal seizures. At times people don't even know it's happening. This continued without me seeking any help until December of that year, the first Thanksgiving without my Dad had passed and Christmas was quickly approaching. I am guessing by now you know what happened, I was once again refusing to face the incredible pain and loss I was feeling without my Dad and another longer more substantial seizure happened. At this time my husband put his foot down and off to the Doctor we went. I was started on my first medication on an extremely long road,where we pretty much discovered that I am either allergic to Seizure medication, or and even worse, the medication messes with my brain chemistry so much that I just shattered mentally all culminating in last September. It was medication attempt number 10 and my mental reaction was the worse yet, I attempted to end my marriage and then my life with in a 24 hour time frame. That morning I will never forget, my husband was flying back from his parents house in Florida after I had told him the night before that I would be seeking a divorce attorney in the morning to end our 8 year marriage. I woke up that morning and realized what I had said, and felt the reasons why I was such horrible burden to him, and then I began hearing all the lies about how horrible I was to and for everyone else. I had stepped down from Church ministry when the seizures began and hurt and upset a lot of people. I was cut off from them and as a result cut myself off from the few that still wanted a relationship with me as well. I had destroyed myself, my life's purpose, all of the people I felt so drawn to love and support through their lives ups and downs, and to top it all off I had become the worse wife ever. Completely worthless and all I ever brought him was pain and confusion and worry. All of these thoughts were on the highest volume in so many familiar voices running through my head until I finally took every bottle of medication I had and dumped the pills into my hand and lap and with a glass of water in hand I was ready to free my husband and everyone I had ever hurt of my very existence. As my hand got closer to my mouth a much calmer quieter voice, surrounded in Peace said very clearly "Stop... I love you, I value you because I created you, and I need you my sweet daughter, all those other words and voices you are hearing are lies, MY words are the only Truth, I love you, and in me you are COMPLETE, Perfect, and LOVED " It was my Daddy, God. After that moment a peace washed over me, I dropped the pills on the bed and called my Doctor and my best friend. My Doctor told me to immediately stop all medication, and my best friend dropped everything and came and sat with me until my mother and husband got home from the Airport. The next day I met with the Doctor and informed him of my decision to no longer take these medications that were hurting me more then the seizures ever did and to pursue alternate ways to address the problem once I was completely detoxed from the pills. The next few days were some of the hardest I have ever faced as I came off of the meds, I was broken and sick and seizing all the time. My husband, mother, and Sister in-law sat with me 24 hours a day for 7 days. On that 7th day I woke up with enough of a perspective shift to no longer need constant babysitting. I would love to say that I woke up that day completely healthy mentally, physically, and Spiritually but I can't. The road continues. I have started a child's dose of a seizure medication that seems to keep everything reigned in. I also started working with a Natural Doctor who is also an amazing man of God, that has not only given me some supplements and homeopathy to take, but has called out the truth of who I am and the need for me to get comfortable with that, and also realize that I am is LOVED exactly AS I AM! More and more I am becoming familiar with what Grace actually means. I am still the same woman, I still struggle with facing my own pain head on, I still catch myself speaking "Failure" over myself. But I also am hearing more and more clearly the voice that rescued me that dark morning, still speaking Love and acceptance and a desire to just spend time talking to me, in an intimate way. This past weekend, HE spoke to me during a time of worship and He said, "I just Love hearing the sound of your voice! you mean that much to me!" He then gifted me with memories of times that my earthly Dad had said that exact same thing to me in phone calls, or over lunch where we would bounce ideas and thoughts off each other. Then God gave me an extremely vivid memory of my dad asking me to just read to him, anything, as he fell asleep while getting a Chemo treatment in New York the one time it was just him and me, because he loved my voice and it brought him peace. And Yes, that time I did let myself cry, just as I am right now while sharing all of this with you.
I'm on journey to discover all of the me I was created to be, and to discover all I can about the Daddy, God that loves me that much. 

Will you join me?
Patience Breckenridge

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NLT)
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

Everyday there seems to be something new... A new understanding, revelation, or even problem, that is requiring all I have right now. However for the fist time in my life I'm actually beginning to feel Free to approach things from MY OWN direction... Let me correct that just a bit and say by the direction that I was designed to approach it from! I know that probably sounds really weird but trust me as time goes on and I share more and more with you, I pray you will understand! More then anything I am hoping that my sharing my Journey with you will make you desire to start your own Journey, to the kind of self discovery that will not only change the way you think, but the way you see things, the way you approach them, the pressure you feel because of them, and just how much control you give to the world around you as apposed to the ONE who Created You!
However before we start heading down there lets go back to the beginning... Not my beginning, not yet, but the beginning we all need to have before we attempt to discover who we are and where we are going... Shall we?
Let's head back 2000 years ago to a man, born of a woman,(Galatians 4:4) subject to all the laws that humans, could not keep. Who's Daddy was the God of the universe( John 5:17-18 and 23- and John 10:30-33) , who's purpose and goal was to become the way back to God! (John 14:6) He fulfilled every prophecy including the ones from the prophet Isaiah about his death (Isaiah 53)... Actually Isaiah says it way better then me is chapter 53 verses 5-6:" But he was pierced for our rebellion,crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all."
And then John 3:16-17 tells us why- “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him."
He Died so that through Him we can go back to being who we were all Created to be.... Right now.... He never intended us to see this as a way to purchase a ticket to heaven, or some Fire Insurance to keep us from going to Hell. He did this so we could embark on our Journey to discover Just how much He loves us and desires an intimate relationship with us all.  That will also allow Him to teach us what was really intended for each one of us.  Please, take a moment to thank God for His amazing plan, and Jesus for all He endured to reclaim you as a Child of God, A Prince or a Princess. We have to understand and believe this first before we can embark on the Journey that will display to us just what kind of Royalty we were meant to be! 

Thank you God for your Son Jesus, who went through all He did, to make a way for me to be able to come back to you. Jesus thank you that even if I was the only one who had sinned and fallen away from God you would have still gone through all of the suffering you endured just to bring ME back. Thank you that I was lost and Now I am found in You! Open my eyes and ears to discover all you have for me to learn about you, and about the Me you intended me to be! In Jesus Name I Pray Amen!

Love (and I am really beginning to understand what that means!)
Patience